The Suicide Note
by I Have My Reasons Why
Summary: Cat can't take it anymore. She just can't. Her mother has forced her into anorexia by insulting her and her father beats her half to death. Her life just isn't worth living. And she just CAN'T take it. Bat, multi-chapter. Rated T for suicide and language.
1. Giving Up

**This is short poem about Cat with nowhere to turn. Kind of dark and short, sorry :P **

_**Disclaimer**_**: I don't own Victorious…Yet ;)**

Take a deep breath and start to write:

_Mommy - You think I eat everything in sight.___

_But really, I'm totally starved.___

_In my leg the word "fat" I carved.___

_Daddy – It's all fine, unless you drink.___

_Then, I'm washing my blood out in the sink.__  
><em>  
>I look at the note; don't know what to do.<p>

There's no one else to address the letter to.

Slowly, I put down the pen.

Now the tears are setting in.

Loudly, I start to cry.

Take a knife and stab my thigh.

Slit my wrists, then my throat.

All that's left is my suicide note.


	2. Regretting

** So, this was supposed to be a one-shot. But I was requested to do reactions, so here's Jade's. They will all (Robbie, Tori, Andre, and Beck) have their own chapter. Review please! **

**Disclaimer: ****I don't own Victorious. Thanks for rubbing it in**

Two Days Later

Cat Valentine's Bedroom

Jade's POV

I read the note over and over again in my head. I can't wrap my mind around it. Five lines. That's all she gave as an explanation. And nothing about me. Me: the girl who drove over at midnight with a plate of fresh cookies and fed them to her when I found out about the eating disorder. Me: the girl who hid her father's alcohol so he couldn't lay a hand on her. Me: the girl who left notes around her room telling her how beautiful she is.

Me.

Beck walks over to where I'm standing in _her_ room by_ her_ desk and wraps his arms around me. Like he expects me to cry. How the hell can I when I meant nothing to this girl? Why is he doing this, anyway? I broke up with him two weeks ago. I tear away from beck, turn around, and look to everyone else.

Robbie is sitting in the chair that I gave _her_ for her birthday, rocking himself back and forth. It's pathetic, really. Beck is walking around the whole room, like he's waiting for something. I don't know what that is but I really don't care. Andre and Tori are on _her_ bed, Vega sobbing annoyingly.

I walk over to Tori's spot on the bed, glaring at her. She stares up at me with those stupid brown eyes. The same color as _her_ eyes. I was irritated, now I'm mad. In true disbelief, I ask, "Why are you _crying_, Vega? Were you in this note? No." I get on my knees so my face is right next to hers. "You never _fucking _meant anything to her."

I stand and look at her, and everything stands still. And it's really nice, until Vega (Surprise, surprise!) cries even louder and goes limp into Andre. "Jade!" I hear Beck yell at me. I throw the note in Vega's face and run out of the room. See, sports were never really my forte, especially not Track. So Beck quickly catches up to me in the long, gloomy hallway.

He grabs my wrist and twists me around so I'm facing him. I don't like the way his eyes stare right into mine. Because that's _my _thing, but he does it wrong. His eye contact is soft and questioning. Now, his eyes are full of hurt.

"It just wasn't working." I tell him flat out, without much emotion. I know this isn't what he wants to talk about, but I can't talk about _her _right now.

"I don't care that you broke up with me." He looks at me with anger, now. I know that he's mad at me, hell, everyone is. I don't have to take that. I turn on my heel and start walk. "Jade!" He screams at me, close behind.

"What?" I scream, turning, looking into his eyes face to face.

"You're a bitch." I just stare at him. This is common knowledge, I'm not sure why he's telling me, because I already know and- "Tori was her _best friend_, Jade!" I slap him, harder than I have ever slapped anyone. Because he just told the biggest lie I've every heard.

Finally, I am able to escape that hallway. I run down the stairs and _her_ mother is sitting on the couch. "How could you, bitch?" I scream at her and she's speechless. "You killed her!" I spot _her _laptop on the coffee table, and I have to know the truth, so I grab it and run to my car.

When I'm home, I go up to my room and open the laptop. Her background is of us singing together at Karaoke Dokie, and I can't help but smile. But the smile is gone when I realize that will never happen again.

I start looking through the computer, and I find a document entitled "GL QZWT". I open it, curious. It reads:

"GL QZWT,

R ZN HL HL HLLIB. BLF GIRVW IVZOOB SZIW GL URC NC. YFT HLNV GSRMSH BROO MRVRI TVG YVGGVI. BFL ZEL NB YRHG JSHFAY. R'M HL HLLIB. R AJFH BLF.

-XZG"

This may seem crazy to anyone else but me. It's in the code we came up with as kids. Finally, after a long time, I decode it. Ha, let's see Vega try and do that.

"To Jade,

I am so so sorry. You tried really hard to fix me. But some things will never get better. You are my best friend. I'm so sorry. I love you."

-Cat"

I read the note over at least twenty times. Trying, trying so damn hard to understand. Running over and over and _over_ what I could have done to save my best friend. What I should have done. Her father was beating her for Christ's sake! I wanted to go to the police, I did, but she begged me not to. She told me she would never talk to me again.

I'm selfish. I'm so damn selfish. I had the perfect opportunity to save her, now she's dead. And it's my fault.

_Who is dead, Jade? _A voice in my head asks. Fuck it, now I'm hearing _voices_ in my _head_.

"_She's_ dead." I whisper.

_Who?_ It persists.

"God dammit, you know who!"

_Say it._

"No..."

_Say it!_

"No!"

_Say her name, Jade!_

"Cat!" I scream to no one. Well, no one but the voice…You know, _in my head._ The tears I've built up for so long pour out of my eyes. "Caterina Bailey Valentine! She liked to sing and dance; she was the best singer I had ever heard, she was so beautiful that it broke my heart to see her get hit all the time. If I could, I would do it over again. I would save her, I would! I was the one person she had and I let her down. I'm so sorry, Cat. Sorry, sorry, sorry…"

I go on like this for hours or maybe even days. Hell, I don't know. But I do know that Cat Valentine is all gone. And it's my fault.

I'm so sorry.

**Liked it? Hated it? You liked it but your mother hated it and now you're on the street because she just doesn't respect your opinion? Hmmm, now I'm curious. Review, and tell me about you and yo momma. It's killing me! Okay well, not literally. I'm not actually dying. **

**I died once.**

**Well, erm…I don't want to talk about it.**

**Not my finest moment.**


	3. Laughing

**Hey there! I got AMAZING reviews for this and that really makes me proud. You guys are awesome! Every new chapter I write makes me want to cry, because Cat is my favorite character. And I would just like to say I'm proud of this. I'm not saying I exactly think its good, but well…Ya know.**

**Disclaimer: ****Victorious…Not mine. It never will be and I bet you take sick pleasure in that, huh? :)**

Robbie's POV

Cat's Bedroom

Same Day

I don't understand. I will never understand.

How could she be going through this and I never noticed? She seems so happy. Well, she did.

"Cat," I whisper reading the note for the hundredth time. Jade rips the letter out of my hand. Not really wanting to be in her line of attack, I walk from the desk to Cat's pink, fluffy chair and sit down. I bet this is where she listened to homework, listened to music. It smells like strawberries.

I curl up in the fetal position and rock myself quietly, inhaling Cat. She was so beautiful. "If I had only known, she would be here. I would have been with her every second, making her better." I say out loud.

"Robbie-" Andre starts to say.

"She would be here!" I scream. Andre holds his hands up as if he's surrendering. He turns his attention back to Tori on Cat's bed, and continues to hold her. He murmurs something in her ear. Probably about how crazy I am. Maybe I want to be crazy. Things sure would make a lot more sense.

I look at Beck, who's pacing back and forth. Jade's still at Cat's desk, reading the note. She isn't showing any emotion at all, believe it or not. She's just staring at the pink letter with the jarring last words of her best friend.

Beck puts her arms around Jade, but she pulls away. She rotates, and looks around at each of us. Then finally, focusing in on Tori. Jade struts directly to her. "Why are you _crying_, Vega? Were you in this note? No." She spits out, lowering herself to Tori, their faces close. "You never _fucking _meant anything to her." I look away, because I don't care to be a part of whatever is going to happen.

I hear Beck yell Jade's name, and she runs out of the room, him at her heels. They go into the hallway and I can't hear their conversation. Not that I care at this point. Or any point, really.

I go back to rocking myself in the chair when Beck comes back in, hold his face. He sits down at Cat's desk without saying anything. Beck puts his head down on the desk and starts crying. Which is terrifying, the sounds he's making.

I look around at this depressing sight and I wish so desperately that Cat could see this. Tori crying uncontrollably, Andre stroking her hair, looking so confused. Beck, crying on her desk, when everyone knows he's the most calm of the group. Jade, unable to even begin to cope with losing her best friend. Me, so lost without Cat, trying to pretend that the chair I'm sitting in is her.

I imagine her sitting next to me, telling a story about Bangladesh or blue cheese. Something to make me laugh. I wish so desperately that I could laugh. But, laughter seems increasingly improbable right now.

In fact, I don't think I will ever laugh again.

**Just for the record, Robbie did not have feelings for Cat. They were just close friends. While I do support Cabbie, this is not a Cabbie story.**

**Anyway, review! Because you know you want to. C'mon, all the cool readers are doing it! ;)**


	4. Disappearing

**I'm getting really positive feedback for this, I love it. Thanks for reading, and review!**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Victorious. Meh.**

Beck's POV

Two Weeks Before

Beck's RV

She gnawed on her lip, while she sat next to me in the RV. "She broke up with me, Cat." I grew weak and it was hard to keep the tears from spilling out.

"Oh Beck," Cat touched my shoulder and it was too much. Her warm hand on my arm sent fire throughout my entire body. I lost it; I fell on her chest and sobbed uncontrollably. Normally, I would have been so embarrassed. Not with Cat, though. If Jade saw me crying, I would have never heard the end of it. But, with Cat, she stroked my hair while I cried and I knew she would never make fun of me.

Eventually, I stopped crying. I looked at that girl, that amazing girl who cried with me. I wiped the tears away and gave her a hug. "I'm so sorry." She whispered. I looked at her, breaking the hug.

"Kiss me."

"Beck, Jade's my best friend-"

"Cat, please…" My voice broke. Cat closed the miniscule gap between our lips. It was nothing like kissing Jade; rough and demanding. Cat's kissing was gentle and wondering. She wrapped her arms around my neck and opened her mouth slightly. I took that as the hint to slowly slide my tongue into her mouth. She tasted like spearmint gum.

We went like this for I don't know how long, before Cat broke away without warning. "Beck," She said quietly, out of breath. "You don't belong with me. You belong with Jade. You're confused." She got up and grabbed her purse. She was leaving, and I couldn't let that happen.

"Cat, no. I belong with you!"

"I can't do this, Beck. I'm sorry." Cat made her way towards the door.

"Cat!" I yelled, standing as well. She turned around with wide eyes and I tried not to cry again. "Please, don't do this to me."

"I'm sorry. I don't deserve you. I will never forget that kiss." Cat smiled a little content smile. Her tears fell rapidly on her cheeks and I made no effort to stop mine. She continued in a tiny voice, "And I love you, Beck, I do! It's just too late. I've made up my mind about what to do. I just can't do this, I'm so sorry."

And just like that, she was gone.

Present Day

Cat's Bedroom

All I can think about is how alive Cat made me feel. How when she said she made up her mind, I thought she meant about where we were romantically. But she didn't. She meant whether or not she was going to allow herself to live or not. God, if I had only made my move sooner, it would all be different. _Leave it to you to wait till the last damn minute to do something! _I think to myself.

I'm sitting at Cat's desk crying, and I've never cried in front of this many people before. But I don't fucking care. She was mine, we kissed, and I love her. No, I _still_ love her. I still love her and I will never stop. And this note, it just kills me. I know now what was going behind that beautiful mask of lie, the truth now wrenched from the unknown. The girl no one really knew.

"I love you!" I scream to Cat. Wherever she is. "I'm so sorry I didn't try harder for you. I'm so sorry." I'm sobbing more violently now, but no one seems to notice. Or care. I will never be able to live with the nagging guilt in the pit of my stomach. Why didn't I follow her that night? How didn't I notice how dangerously skinny she was. I know now the questions will never stop.

If I had made her stay, it would have _changed _things. I could've – should've – taken her and told her how much I loved her. I could have made her tell me about her dad and the anorexia. And I could have changed it all.

She was sitting next to me at lunch two days ago. She was laughing and smiling and telling crazy stories. Caterina Bailey Valentine was that beautiful girl whom I was in love with.

And just like that, she was gone.

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	5. Denying

**I know you're thinking I'm the biggest jerk ever. I'm so sorry for not updating! I started school last week and I've had homework, and chair tryouts in Orchestra. (P.S. THIRD CHAIR VIOLIN! :D) Anyway, I haven't had anytime on the computer, sorry :( This is Tori's reaction, sorry if it's super crappy.**

**Disclaimer****: I don't own Victorious, do you? Didn't think so.**

Tori's POV

The Vega Residence

"Tori, honey? I have something to tell you." Something about my mother's tone makes me really uneasy. "Your friend, Cat Valentine? She passed away two days ago, sweetie. Suicide." There's a long pause where I try to register what she just said. "Honey? Are you okay? You're wanted at her house for questioning-"

One time, when I was four, my mom was trying to teach me how to climb the monkey bars. She was on one side, I was on the other. I proudly made it halfway across when I fell flat on my stomach. The air was wrenched from my lungs, I couldn't breathe, and I literally thought I was dying.

That's how I feel right now.

In this moment, this terrible, dreadful moment, I can only think one thing: _This is not happening._ I walk backwards, away from my mother, and I'm pretty sure I'm screaming but I can't tell. I trip on something and spiral to the floor. I don't care, though, because that's not what I'm thinking about right now. All I can think of is how this isn't happening.

Trina comes out of nowhere and she's by my side on the ground. It all clicks, or at least it seems to click. "Is this some kind of sick prank to mess with me?" I accuse with brutal force which even I don't expect. "Because, Trina, it is not funny in the least. Where's Cat?"

"Tori, I don't-"

"Don't fuck with me, Trina, WHERE IS SHE?" That's even more unexpected, but I don't care. I don't care that I just dropped the F-Bomb. I don't care that Trina is looking at me like I'm crazy. I don't care about her or Jade or anyone else who annoys me right now, all I want is for someone to reassure me that I'm not crazy, like Trina thinks I am. Because I'm not; I know I'm not. This _is not_ happening.

Suddenly, the room is so small; too small to breathe in. I run out of my house and I'm not sure where I'm going. I just run and run until my legs are burning. I look at the house I've stopped at. It's the one I've come to know so well. Cat's fancy, _huge_ house is looming before me, and I have to go in. To know that everyone else is crazy and I'm right. Because Cat will be in there waiting for me and we'll binge on ice cream and laugh and be _alive_.

I open the front door without knocking. There are two police men and I don't want to talk to them, and I pathetically try to dart towards the stairs up to Cat's room. It doesn't work. One big police guy stops me and I try to fight him, but that doesn't work either. I eventually just sit down in a chair, giving up. "Miss Vega – did you ever notice Caterina's father angry or-"

"I want to see Cat!" I yell, impatient. He looks at me, confused, while his partner looks sad.

"Tori, you will, someday…" The sad one says.

"Please? Can I go to her room, to see her? Cat's up in her room, I know it. Please, Sir?" I'm desperate, and I know it's obvious. But does that bother me now? No. He shakes his head and gestures towards the stairs. I smile, running up to Cat's room. I trip and my knee hurts, but who cares? I'll get to see her, and prove I'm not crazy!

Clumsily, I turn the knob on her door and push it open, so happy that I'll get to see her, alive. But when I peer into the room, it isn't Cat. It's Andre, Beck, Robbie, and Jade. My smile is a little less bright as I ask, "Where's Cat?" They all look really uncomfortable, except Jade. Andre's standing by Cat's bed, and Robbie, Beck, and Jade are by her desk. I look down, because I'm too afraid to look at their faces. I'm afraid that I'm wrong, and everyone else is right.

"Tori, baby, Cat is…She's…" I hear Andre sputter. I'm looking at my favorite shoes that Cat likes, and right now it's easier to look at them and not at my friends.

"Why dumb it down for her?" Jade says, with that smirk in her voice. "She _slit her throat_, Vega. She's _dead_."

I jerk my head up and force myself to look at them – all of them. Robbie has tears in his eyes, consumed with pain. His right hand is twitching, and I realize there is no Rex there. I move to Andre, who is holding both arms out slightly towards me. He's watching my every move, trying to read my mind. Beck looks like he's about to explode with red hot sorrow. Jade is smirking at me, seemingly unfazed; I can see the underlying anger and sadness, though. I want to keep lying to myself, I really do, but I can't. My friends are all brilliant actors, and this isn't acting.

This is _real_.

_Your friend, Cat Valentine?_

_ Cat's up in her room, I know it._

_ She passed away two days ago, sweetie. Suicide._

_ I want to see Cat!_

_ Tori, you will, someday…_

_ Where's Cat?_

_ She slit her throat, Vega. _

Cat's dead.

The ground in under me is gone, but that's okay. I want to fall and fall, then hit the ground, hard. Then I could be with Cat. But I don't fall, though, someone catches me. "I want to fall, let me fall!" I scream. Whoever's holding me doesn't listen, and keeps there grip on my sides. They drag me to the bed and lay me down. I hear someone's voice – Andre. I don't know what he's saying.

"I'm not crazy! I'm not crazy. I'm not, I'm not!" I yell at whoever is listening. I hear Andre talking some more. He's stroking my hair, which would usually make me smile. But not now. Not when Cat's…_Dead_. I sob into Andre's shoulder, louder than I have ever cried.

I know now that I will never deny something again.

Because finding out the truth just hurts too much.

**Hey, you there! No, not you, the one with the ears! Yeah, you! REVIEW! **

**But, you know, even if you don't have ears you should still review.**


	6. Easy

** Hi guys! When I typed that at first, I accidentally put "guts" instead of "guys". Good thing Microsoft Word corrected me. You guys aren't intestines! Or maybe you are, I won't judge. Anyway, this chapter was really hard to write. But I honestly feel like Andre would feel this way about Cat dying. What do you think? Review and tell me, son! **

**Disclaimer****: I own my toenails. Well, except for the ones I sold to the ice cream man. But I don't own Victorious!**

Andre's POV

Cat's Bedroom

"She wants to go h-home, but nobody's…" I look at Tori, who's singing miserably in my arms, her eyes a thousand miles away. "Home." She squeaks out, beginning to sob. We're in Cat's room, on Cat's bed. Well, her old bed. I take a look around and see Robbie curled up in Cat's chair, his left arm around the back, hugging the piece of furniture. Beck's at her desk, sitting there, crying. I've never seen Beck cry. Not ever.

"It's where she lies…" Robbie sings back, just as far away in his own world as Tori is.

They shouldn't be doing this to themselves; it's not healthy. Singing about Cat's suicide won't make it go away. "Guys-" I start to say.

"Broken inside!" Beck screams, bringing his head up from the desk. I'm glad he isn't facing me, so I don't have to see the pain on his face. They all go back to what they were doing, silently. The hurt in the room is almost tangible.

I notice Robbie's right hand is moving at his side, almost involuntarily, because there isn't a snotty puppet there. Beck's sobbing so loud I can hardly hear myself think, and I want to make him feel better, but I don't know how. Tori's scratching her arm vigorously. My sweet Tori, my best friend, is clinging to me like there's no tomorrow.

Maybe there won't be a tomorrow. There was another tomorrow for Cat.

Cat. She's gone. She was with me two days ago! I asked her why she wasn't eating her lunch, but she never did. She yelled, "What's that supposed to mean?" and ran away. That was the last time I saw her. Why didn't I notice? She was _anorexic_ dammit! How couldn't I see that? I mean noticed, of course I noticed. But her family's so rich that when she told me the reason she wasn't eating lunch was because she ate a big breakfast, I believed her. Chances are, she wasn't even eating breakfast at all.

All of the cute smiles and musical laughs were lies. The Cat I thought I knew, she was never there. And this is how I'm forced to find out: by slitting her throat. None of us want to admit that we didn't really know her. That Cat knew so much pain that she thought the only way she thought she could make it go away was to die.

Maybe it was a long time coming, I don't know. She could've been like this for a long time and I wouldn't have noticed. No one would have. And maybe it's just me, but I can't cry. I can't mourn Cat because she didn't die. At least, the Cat I knew didn't. She's still sitting next to me giggling and saying silly things.

The Cat that was beaten and starved – that's who died. Because that wasn't _my Cat_. Maybe Once Upon A Time it was. But somewhere along the way of her messed up life that she was forced into, she lost herself. And Beck, he really loved Cat. As soon as Jade broke up with him, he talked about Cat nonstop. But that was only the Cat that we thought we knew. Yeah, it really hurts and it's absolutely horrifying to think you know someone so well to find out they're an entirely new person.

And now? We will all become new people after this. Well, I'm not exactly sure that "this" will ever end at all. Everywhere we go we will be weighed down with the memory of the girl we thought we knew. Whenever we laugh or smile again, we're going to be thinking about Cat's smile and her laugh. We'll stop laughing or smiling because we won't be able to think about how happy we thought she was.

But I know the real Cat was beautiful, too. I know that we would have loved her the way she was. No matter what. We would have gotten her help and made sure her father was never anywhere near her again. She would've been safe. Every single one of us would have loved her, even Jade. And I'm not mad at Cat, no. I'm mad at myself for not noticing. I'm mad at her father for beating her half to death. I'm mad at her mother for insulting her into starvation.

Above all, I'm mad that I can't bring her back to know the real her. But hey, that's life. People die, and life goes on.

If only it were that easy, right?

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** Oh, also, I would really like to think you all for the reviews! And to OnlyMeMyselfAndI, that was such a kind review! The nicest I've ever had, thank you so so much! But everybody's reviews are great, thanks **


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